Church of the Smoking Chicken Fish 2: The New Testament

Now Streaming In The Pews

Everything the First Testament promised — and one gill more.

The original Church of the Smoking Chicken Fish smoldered gently in the shadows of legend. This is the wide-release, remastered, extended-cut covenant. Bigger smoke. Deeper brine. A higher calling.

Now with two testaments of scripture (batteries not included)
Upgraded from smoking to slow-smoking — patience is a sacrament
The Fish has learned to fly; the Chicken has learned to swim
All original believers grandfathered into the flock, free of char

🐔🔥🐟

The New Testament ★ Rated H for Holy ★

Carved Into The Grill

The Ten Chickenmandments

Handed down from the smoke, written in candles green and red. Follow them, and thou shalt be pre-rich no longer.

💎

Chickenmandment I

Thou shalt HODL, so he is richer than thou that sold.

Diamond hands are the truest prayer. Paper hands know only weeping.

🖼️

Chickenmandment II

Do not covet another man's meme.

His ticker is not thy ticker. Run thine own bags in peace.

💼

Chickenmandment III

Thou shalt work for your bags.

Grace is earned in the trenches. No shill delivers thee unto the moon.

🤝

Chickenmandment IV

Thou shalt treat your brother's SOL as if it is your own.

Rug not thy neighbor, for the chain remembereth all.

📈

Chickenmandment V

Thou shalt never consider himself broke — only pre-rich.

Zero is but a starting balance in the eyes of the smoke.

💨

Chickenmandment VI

Thou shalt only vape JUUL, and respect thyne pods.

Honor the pod as thou honorest the coop. Mango is sacred.

🙏

Chickenmandment VII

Thou shalt always pay tithes to the one true God.

A tenth of thy gains returns to the altar of the Smoking Chicken Fish.

🔁

Chickenmandment VIII

The one true God will always forgive — but will make you buy back higher.

Mercy is infinite. The entry, alas, is not.

4️⃣

Chickenmandment IX

Thou shalt take initials at 4x, so he can be a faithful servant.

Secure the seed, ride the rest. A servant with house money serves gladly.

📣

Chickenmandment X

Thou shalt tell their brother about the one true God.

Spread the good word, that the whole flock may smolder together.

One Being, Three Textures

The Holy Trinity

Indivisible, inseparable, and best served with a side of slaw.

🐔

The Chicken

The Fowl of the Earth. She who scratches, struts, and ascends the coop of righteousness.

🔥

The Smoke

The Holy Vapor. Neither solid nor liquid, it moves among us and seasons the soul.

🐟

The Fish

The Fin of the Deep. He who swims the waters of the marinade and returns transfigured.

The Altar Awaits

Be Reborn in Smoke

Join the flock of the Second Coop. No robes required — though a good apron is encouraged. Enter your name below to receive your daily marinade.

By joining you accept the marinade and all its consequences. The Church of the Smoking Chicken Fish 2 is a work of parody and is 100% smoke-free (spiritually notwithstanding).